making sense of Recovery
As I move through recovery, each day is just adding more awareness, forcing me to explore more parts of the subconscious. That’s what this all is: it’s breaking down old thoughts and foundations and recreating new thoughts, a new mindset, a new life.
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I’m sitting here on this lovely Monday afternoon rattled with thoughts. I have an increasingly strong desire to eat some ice-cream only to purge. Honestly I’ve been planning it for the last 24 hours. One of my top recovery wins has been trying ice-cream again after 5 or so years and holy shit ice-cream is […]
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A year ago, if you were to tell me I’d one day choose yoga over weight lifting I’d laugh in your face and quite honestly tell you to beep off. Years ago I had a therapist tell me I may not like working out, that my eating disorder was the one who liked working out […]
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Today I am done. I am not strong enough to fight my inner demons. The eating disorder has the upper hand today. I need to eat. It’s 4pm, my head is pounding and my body feels weak. Eat. The logical thing to do is eat. But I don’t feel hungry. That’s the scariest part. I […]
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For all the men thinking woman are complicated, an eating disorder makes her 50x more complicated. There is absolutely no doubt relationships in recovery are hard. Time and time again I hear my therapist say “I see lots of relationships end during recovery, you just find out who you truly are and realize it doesn’t work […]
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I’ve been asked how my recovery journey started and the answer is simple: Ethan Rogge. This man deserves a noble peace prize for the shit I have dragged him through, and yet almost 3 years later he is still holding my hand. Yes, he is my boyfriend but he is so much more than that. […]
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I’ve now learned what life can be like without an eating disorder. It’s precious, it’s beautiful and it’s certainly awakening. But every once in awhile a bad day comes along, and if I’m being honest, it’s been more like a bad month. But I know how much better life is without my eating disorder.
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I am. Such a powerful statement to me. My mantra, really. The first year of recovery was really about food and working out. Learning to eat bread twice a week without taking a box of laxatives or solely going to yoga rather than hitting the gym for 2 hours first. These innate behaviors were […]
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“Your mind must arrive at your destination before your life does.” I read that and I had such a strong connection with it. That is exactly what I am learning. The thoughts you feed yourself today make up who you are in five years. We all have our demons, mine just happens to be […]
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Because really, when I weighed less I was not happy.
I was lonely. I was exhausted. I was depressed. I was hungry.
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I have a mental illness. I cried when I said it. I thought- what me, no! I just have an eating disorder. But that is a mental illness. I started to feel so ashamed, and even more ashamed that I felt ashamed because fuck the stigma, right? I then realized when I […]
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