I am so grateful for my eating disorder.
Yes, it has sucked but what I have learned and the growth I have made is exponential. I have found this energy within me that assures me I will be okay one day. That this mess I have experienced will be my message, that I will help so many who are struggling. And I am not there yet, I still have rough days but I know I will get there one day.
As I move through recovery, each day is just adding more awareness, forcing me to explore more parts of the subconscious. Recovery is not a period of weakness, in fact, it presents an incredible opportunity.It’s a process of breaking down set beliefs and rebuilding new foundations. It is a time of deep healing and tremendous growth. Recovery gives you the opportunity to recreate the self to lead a happier and healthier life and that’s pretty damn magical!
So many people go through life ignoring any challenge that seems too emotionally taxing, too hard to face but that is where the magic happens! That is where you find growth! Our society has concocted this absurd idea that life is all about the logistics; go to the best school, get the best job, make the most money, get the best car- never just feel, never be aware of your emotions, never put work down for a moment and do something that awakens your soul. I have been doing everything I’m “supposed to do” the last 8 years of my life- great grades, homecoming queen, varsity athlete, and captain, got into BU, perfect internships, graduated magna cum laude, but what did it get me? Sure on paper, my life looks dope, but I was so busy rushing through life’s checklist to become ‘perfect’ that I lost myself along the way and numbers, the scale, and whether it’s a carb or fat totally took over my mind.
Things I should have experienced became replaced by waking up at 4 am to go to the gym before school, only to head back to the gym after practice. Skipping friends parties and social gatherings because I didn’t want to be surrounded by ‘unsafe’ foods. Overdosing on laxatives throughout college instead of fun nights at the bar and being a normal college kid with drunk pizza at 2 am.
Yes I have missed out on a lot the past 8 years and it has been quite the struggle, but I am so grateful for the value every obstacle, lesson, person and challenge has added to my life. Someone asked me if I could change anything would I, and my heart is really torn. Yes- I would have loved some good ole’ college stories to tell my kids one day (Drunk ones seem to be more entertaining than how many calories I burned doing HIIT), but my eating disorder has taught me so much. Without these challenges, I would not have been forced to work for a positive mindset, I would not have been forced to invest my energy into health and self- development- which I now have found a whole career for! I would not be forced to question my own beliefs that I had formed throughout my life (No one likes admitting they’ve been wrong their whole life!) But I am now able to see that everything happens for a reason and everything is my life is starting to come full circle. Having that moment, the ‘ah-ha!’ moment, where everything clicks, is absolutely magical.
And I didn’t get that moment after everything was fixed, when I was fully recovered and healthy and having an amazing, perfect little life.
I had the moment from daring to explore the parts of life I maybe didn’t want to really focus on or even deal with. I had the moment in the midst of my struggle. Everything is still a work in progress. I have plenty of moments that remind me I am far from recovered. The key is to first have awareness of what the problem is; most of us have some story that keeps popping up in our lives and yet we continue to ignore it because it’s a. become so natural we have yet to realize it’s a problem or b. it seems like it would be hard to deal with. So to that, I say the second most important thing is being grateful that this opportunity is teaching you something, it is evolving you as a person, as a being, and teaching you a whole new way of thinking and it’s honestly the most exciting thing to experience!