I honestly did not realize this situation could be a blog until this morning. For me, this is normal thinking and it was not until I was journaling that I realized “Wow, this would be a great insight into an eating disorder mind!” So here we go, opening up into some eating disorder thoughts the night before I go the beach with a group of friends…
First off, holy shit.
I have known about this beach party for almost two weeks and for two weeks I have had COMPLETE anxiety. It is a going away party for a friend that I care about, but shit, a beach!? It’s a terrifying situation- I mean a. being social is still a new thing for me and b. I’m going to be half naked. But recovery is all about challenges and breakthroughs. If I don’t face this now, I’m never going to get better and five years from now, I will still be brainstorming excuses to get out of beach days with my friends. I won’t lie though, I came up with a list of excuses for this one: I’m sick, I have a rash, my dad needs my car, I have to babysit…
But this time, I really want to go. I mean, no not really, after staring at my body for two hours I am pretty down to not go. But I know it’s something I need to do and I want to be able to say goodbye to my good friend. I have a million thoughts rushing through my head, so debilitating that I canceled my plans (yeah I had plans- a rare thing) tonight just so I could relax and breathe (and let’s be honest, partly to brainstorm additional ideas to get out of it).
All week I had been eating less knowing I had to be on a beach on Saturday. Unfortunately, my team (therapists and nutritionist) and I recently had a talk that if I continue eating less I have to go back to treatment because I had dropped weight since I left treatment.
So I was supposed to be following my meal plan but HELLO I AM GOING TO THE BEACH! Not even just the beach with my parents- the beach with people I went to high school with! I can just hear them now whispering about how much weight I have gained, wondering how I let myself go, or them just looking at my body and being disgusted with it. Maybe they’ll feel bad about how much I work out and yet I still look like this. Will they think I am weird for keeping my clothes on? I mean I am definitely not prancing around in a bikini.
My therapy group advised me to tell a friend, that way if I do back out, we both know why and I can use it to hold myself accountable. So…I volunteered to drive people and damn do I hate myself for it. I just shouldn’t eat dinner. My nutritionist would be upset but there is a loud voice in my head saying “If you eat, you can’t complain about being anxious over the beach. Clearly, you aren’t willing to try hard enough to get skinny”. But, if I restrict, I’m either back in treatment or asking for a binge later on.
Recovery is hard in that way that you’re supposed to be eating more and following a meal plan so you’re gaining this new body (keyword gaining), but you’re also expected to do things you wouldn’t have done even with your smaller body!
But I must overcome this because one day I want to have a beach day where the only thing I am worrying about is if I have my tanning oil and a 6 pack (of beer). One day:)