It’s one of those nights where one thought happens and spirals to a million negative thoughts leaving me the scariest questions of all: Am I ever going to get better?
In a moment I can become lost in just how deeply the eating disorders weaved itself into every thought, decision, and aspect of my life. It gets to the point where I am so overwhelmed with how powerful my eating disorder can be and it truly scares me. I’m 22, will I ever have a life that isn’t completely run by how I feel my body looks? Will I ever have a life where I can be in the moment and enjoy it rather than stressing about how my belly looks or how flabby my arms look?
The biggest bummer is becoming aware of all the joys my eating disorder is stealing from me. This has been a big year in my family- lots of celebrations. Unfortunately, I can’t look forward to any life events or celebrations without the eating disorder seeping in.
For instance, my sister’s bachelorette is this weekend. A time for celebration and excitement. A time where I want to celebrate my beautiful sister and give her the best weekend of her life! But my thoughts are overcrowded with restriction, how I am too fat to look good in anything, food thoughts about what we’ll be eating etc. It’s just very overwhelming to think this is how it could be for the rest of my life.
I am digging deep but I am tired. Scratch that, I am exhausted. I am giving all I can and feel like I still have so much to work through…
But it is in these moments we must dig deep. Be grateful for the bad days because they show us how far we have come. Tonight is hard. Really dang hard. These nights are inevitable during recovery, but these are the nights you want to remember how far you’ve come. You are unstoppable. You are worth it! Recovery is worth every ounce of energy. It’s a lifelong battle but each day you put your energy toward recovery, you are that much closer to living your true life. Keep fighting, you got this!
Recovery Tip: I love to keep a journal of all my recovery wins. That way on hard nights, I can look back at all I have overcome!
How do you motivate yourself to keep going through recovery?