It’s terrifying when the eating disorder tries to take back control. Recently, I noticed my face was looking fat. I have never focused on my face, I’ve never really worried about it being fat, and yet as I went to snapchat my friend I became fixated on how round my face was. When I finally became aware of what I was doing, I got really scared. I was scared the eating disorder was fighting back and dragging me down deeper into the eating disorder. Lately, I’ve started viewing not eating as a challenge, getting a high when I eat less and fail to follow my meal plan. This, now with my face, had me absolutely shaking, thinking that this was it- things were about to get really bad.
A few moments later, I returned to my work Facebook account (I am not on any social media except snapchat and a FB acct for work!) and the first thing that pops up is an article titled “To the Person With An Eating Disorder Who Feels Like Giving Up On Recovery”.
How stinkin’ magical. I read it and was instantly reminded of why I want to recover. I kept telling myself the eating disorder is losing and that is why it’s fighting back so hard, grasping at any opportunity it gets. The article was fantastic, but I was still shaken.
Tired and slightly upset I wanted to just crawl in bed, but my friend Nancy’s voice was ringing in my head “Do what’s right, not what’s easy!” I knew what was right, my emotions were crazy and I needed extra self-care so I decided to pamper myself a bit before bed. I then, even at 2 am, made myself open my gratitude journal where I write everything I am grateful for that day- even bad days still have things to be grateful for. I brushed through the 6 pages I had filled out since buying the journal last week, probably only 1/300th of the notebook, but wow I had written so many things to be grateful for. Simple things like being stuck in traffic with mom so getting an extra 15 minutes to hang out with her, eating lunch outside on a super sunny day or simply having a productive morning-so many things in only 6 pages and I planned to fill out a whole journal! There was so much to live for in just those 6 pages, so much to get healthy for! It’s so many small things that we need to realize and be grateful for and that is why I am choosing recovery and I have to remind myself that because at times, recovery feels very overwhelming.
So my message? Your breakdowns bring your breakthroughs. Your lowest points and darkest moments, where everything has gone to shit, uncover a beautiful breakthrough. It’s really my personal mantra through recovery. That all of this (my eating disorder) is here to make me stronger, that my mess can become my message and this experience will build the person I am meant to be.