I’m starting to finally want to go out, I want to dance, I want to hang out with other people, I want to have fun!
But oh shit…I have no friends.
Yup, I’m owning it.
I’m not even apologizing- because it happens ALL THE TIME to people with eating disorders. Isolation is huge, the body becomes priority and connections are no longer seen as important. I definitely have a few friends, and they are amazing for standing by my side through all of this, but my body has always been put first. My body was my main concern and everything I did revolved around getting the perfect body so I never made time for connections.
Really, I never made time for living. There were so many awesome memories I was supposed to make with friends, but I spent more time with the gym attendant. I have absolutely no wild college stories because the gym was more important than a fun Friday night. I skipped plenty of dinner dates with girlfriends because the food wasn’t safe. I ditched hanging out with my own best friends hundreds of times because I just felt too fat. I spent most nights home alone so that my gym and food schedule wouldn’t be interfered with. It’s so many small things, that most people don’t even realize they take for granted- but these experiences create such a sense of connection. I’ve missed out on so many conversations with people because my eating disorder just doesn’t give a shit about anything other than calories in and calories out.
It’s so exciting that I finally have a desire to start living, to start building relationships and connections. I finally see the quality of my life and friendships as my main priority, rather than my body. For the first time, I am able to choose people over getting to the gym. It’s not easy, I still catch myself falling into old habits, but slowly I am making the change.
It’s definitely a bit suffocating because I want to be out having awesome conversations with people but I am still figuring out how to just be around people (sad but true). I take in so much from conversations with people these days, it’s like I am open to everything they are saying. I just want to hear everything they have to offer, learn about new things, see what people value, see if that’s something I value.
I just wish people understood how much an eating disorder takes from you and how we need to do something because so many young girls are losing out on so many crucial memories and experiences because they feel too fat. It’s sad, very sad. Losing my high school and college years absolutely blows, it blows! But it happened, it is what it is and I just want to make sure it never happens to anyone else. I want to make sure little girls know getting skinny is not worth it, that obsessing to get the perfect body means losing absolutely everything else.