I’m feeling lost today. Heavy (emotionally and physically).
I had an extraordinary summer. I spent the majority of spring in treatment and found myself living a new life come June. I was social, I had friends, I went out, I ate and I drank and I wore a damn bathing suit like everyday! #lakelyfe
I still had my ups and downs, my moments of weakness, but I was so happy.
And now months later, I have heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach.
It’s a familiar feeling. An eery feeling. A “Oh shit” right before everything goes downhill feeling.
I’m noticing myself walk by the mirror more frequently for body checks. I’m starting to be a lot pickier with which foods I will allow. I’m pressuring myself to get more work outs in in hopes of slimming down. And my thoughts are starting to become clouded by the negative and hateful voice of my eating disorder.
But I’m not throwing in the towel. The war isn’t over. I’m just heading into another battle.
And that is a tough pill to swallow- when you realize that despite numerous rounds of treatment, despite the endless amount of self-help books I read, despite all the yoga and supplement/meds I am utilizing to help my mental health- the eating disorder is still here. And it’s always still going to be there.
It’s somewhat of a hopeless feeling.
Because sometimes you start to feel stable. Like hey, maybe I can handle this whole life thing without relying on an eating disorder. And then you just get the rug swiped out from beneath you yet again and you just feel stuck.
I feel as though I constantly have a ball and chain on my feet. Everytime I try to get my life moving forward, it’s like I’m pulled back again. Not in the way that’s like ” I’m so sick I’m never going to be okay my life is terrible” more in the “ugh here we go again” eye rolling way.
But this week, it was totally the “I’m so sick I’m never going to be okay my life is terrible”. It was the full on tears that no matter how hard I try to move forward I’m stuck with it. That this stupid mental illness is something I will always battle with. That I don’t have the luxury of making life plans because my rope always seems to get too thin and I have to consider more treatment.
But then I breathe.
I must remind myself how far I have come.
A small apple was once terrifying for its sugars and carbs. I now eat apples daily.
Not fitting in 2 workouts a day led to full on breakdowns and self-harm. I now work out maybe 2-3 times a week.
I felt too fat to wear anything other than baggy sweatshirts. I now own 3 crop tops.
I skipped out on parties and dinners to avoid extra calories. I now get beers and burgers with my friends.
My favorite things were a stair master, yoga pants and laxatives. I now enjoy friends, ice-cream and yoga.
I am a completely new person. My values have changed. My priorities have changed. My eating disorder does not define me and will not control me. I am fighting and I will win.
Slowly, I am quieting the ED voice. Slowly, I am building the strength to defy my irrational thoughts. Slowly, I’m becoming me again.
So yes, I will greet these next few days/weeks with a GIANT eye roll and a big “F You” but I welcome the lessons I will learn and the strength I will develop. It’s these up and down cycles that build you closer to Recovery. And although it’s not easy, I now know I have the strength to choose recovery.
Light & Love