ED 101: Many times, patients are asked to create letters to and from their body to help with body image and treatment of the body.
My darling Kristen,
I’m not too sure where I went wrong.
It seemed like we were on a path towards happiness. Running, jumping and dancing around simply for fun.Then all of sudden you were so angry.
First denying me of foods I enjoyed, then denying me of foods I needed.
You pushed me past exhaustion for your workouts. Sacrificing hours of sleep for longer workouts. Lifting and running for hours a day.
When I was injured you forced me to keep going. When I trembled from the lack of nutrition, you told me I was pathetic.
Rather than hanging with friends or exploring this beautiful world, you kept our head in the toilet.
When throwing up didn’t ease your guilt, you physically harmed me.
You polluted me with toxic diet pills and fat burners.
You completed destroyed our digestive system by overdosing on laxatives daily.
You exerted all your energy on getting skinnier, neglecting any form of self-care .
Couldn’t you see what I was doing? I gave you legs to run, I gave you breathe for life, I gave you working organs. But none of that mattered, I wasn’t skinny enough.
The worst part? How you spoke to me.
How wide my thighs were, how flabby my arms were, how big my belly was.
I remember you looking in the mirror and first calling me fat in 8th grade.
From there, the critiquing only got worse. You habitually began body checking in every mirror, even any shiny surface. You began unconsciously pinching parts of me, outraged by the extra layer of fat.
You told me I was ugly. That everything was wrong with my body. That I was worthless.
I tried fighting these thoughts at first. You were only 15, you didn’t need this. But you continued to hate and mistreat me. Overtime my exhausted self surrendered and your negative thoughts became my truth.
If my body wasn’t enough, I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t hot enough. Pretty enough. Funny Enough. Kind Enough. Smart enough. Fun enough. No matter what we achieved, nothing was enough.
So this is how we went on, for almost a decade, overworking me physically and abusing me mentally.
Do you know there are people who’s organs have failed? Do you realize not everyone is gifted with the breathe I give you each morning? Do you understand how many individuals no longer have the ability to even walk?
I continue to love you even when you can not love me.
Please see we have so much to celebrate Kristen. Celebrate the breathe I give you. Embrace each curve and ‘extra’ roll you seem to be disgusted with. Remember that I’m simply your vessel for this life. Your thoughts, actions and mindset make you who you are, not how thin I am.
I promise every inch of you is beautiful, just the way it is.