I started another round of treatment back in the spring, although my last post claims it was a “charge up”- I was wrong. It was a lot more than a charge up.
I planned to blog my entire treatment, sharing my thoughts and what treatment is really like, but I was tired. At the end of each day I just wanted sleep. I wanted to be done. I wanted my boyfriend and my friends. I wanted a normal day in the “normal” world.
And week after week passed and I was still stuck. My weight wasn’t budging, so medically, I wasn’t improving. When this happens, it’s a step up or step out policy. Insurance will only pay for you to step up to the next level of treatment, and if you don’t go, your cut off.
I never thought I was sick enough to go to res. In fact, I remember my 15 year old self criticizing how bad I was at my ED because I wasn’t in residential. And here I was with a team of medical professionals urging me to go to residential.
But like I said, I was tired.
I had spent the last two months in treatment, for what I thought would be a quick 3 week tune up. I had no energy left. I had no motivation left.
So I left.
I began returning to my friends, work, and social outings. I was out of treatment- so people just assumed everything was great. I heard a lot of “I’m so glad you’re all better”.
It just makes me chuckle, that’s not how mental health works. It’s not a cold. You don’t pop a pill take a rest and you’re “all set” after a week.
Even after months or years of treatment, that’s not how eating disorders work. It’s not something you simply “get better from”.
It effort and practice every single day. I’m out of treatment, but I didn’t eat breakfast breakfast today.
I’m out of treatment, but still did a full body check this morning.
I’m out of treatment, but I still had to fight myself to not take the leftover laxatives in my cabinet.
I’m out of treatment, but I still stayed in bed and cancelled all my plans because I felt too fat to be in public. (Of course now since I’ve been through treatment, I’m able to acknowledge the life events that are influencing me feeling this way)
An eating disorder is a life long battle. I will never “get better” from it, I will improve my coping skills and mindset, but it’s still something I battle everyday.
So please, don’t congratulate me on getting better- it ain’t how it works!