Falling into the Appeal of the Eating Disorder

That no matter how recovered you are, the eating disorder can always come back. It’s the strangest experience to explain, because when I fall into a dip, it’s so easy to entirely jump in despite just how strong or far along I am in recovery. 

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Typical Turbulence in Recovery

It took everything in my power to not throw my face into that toilet. (Ew, I mean at the hotel now, not on the airplane. I do have some standards…)

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Post Treatment Bullshit: “I’m so Glad You’re All Better!”

I began returning to my friends, work, and social outings. I was out of treatment- so people just assumed everything was great. I heard a lot of “I’m so glad you’re all better”.

It just makes me chuckle, that’s not how mental health works. It’s not a cold. You don’t pop a pill take a rest and you’re “all set” after a week.

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The Most Competitive Assholes You’ll Ever Meet

The eating disorder is constantly pushing you to “Be the best at having an eating disorder”….what does that even mean? Be the best at having no life, counting calories and nearly dying? Apparently so.

But anytime I do something pro-recovery, like completing my meal plan or not spending 2+ hours at the gym, the competitive eating disorder voice chirps: “You’re not being good enough at your eating disorder. You need to try harder [at having an eating disorder]”

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A Letter From My Body

If my body wasn’t enough, I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t hot enough. Pretty enough. Funny Enough. Kind Enough. Smart enough. Fun enough. No matter what we achieved, nothing was enough.

So this is how we went on, for almost a decade, overworking me physically and abusing me mentally.

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This Too Shall Pass

I’m feeling lost today. Heavy (emotionally and physically). I had an extraordinary summer. I spent the majority of spring in treatment and found myself living a new life come June. I was social, I had friends, I went out, I ate and I drank and I wore a damn bathing suit like everyday! #lakelyfe I […]

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ED 101: Yoga = Life (for me!)

A year ago, if you were to tell me I’d one day choose yoga over weight lifting I’d laugh in your face and quite honestly tell you to beep off. Years ago I had a therapist tell me I may not like working out, that my eating disorder was the one who liked working out […]

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Your mind must arrive at your destination before your life does.

“Your mind must arrive at your destination before your life does.”   I read that and I had such a strong connection with it. That is exactly what I am learning. The thoughts you feed yourself today make up who you are in five years. We all have our demons, mine just happens to be […]

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Because really, when I weighed less I was not happy.

I was lonely. I was exhausted. I was depressed. I was hungry.

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