That no matter how recovered you are, the eating disorder can always come back. It’s the strangest experience to explain, because when I fall into a dip, it’s so easy to entirely jump in despite just how strong or far along I am in recovery.Read More
It took everything in my power to not throw my face into that toilet. (Ew, I mean at the hotel now, not on the airplane. I do have some standards…)Read More
I began returning to my friends, work, and social outings. I was out of treatment- so people just assumed everything was great. I heard a lot of “I’m so glad you’re all better”.
It just makes me chuckle, that’s not how mental health works. It’s not a cold. You don’t pop a pill take a rest and you’re “all set” after a week.Read More
The eating disorder is constantly pushing you to “Be the best at having an eating disorder”….what does that even mean? Be the best at having no life, counting calories and nearly dying? Apparently so.
But anytime I do something pro-recovery, like completing my meal plan or not spending 2+ hours at the gym, the competitive eating disorder voice chirps: “You’re not being good enough at your eating disorder. You need to try harder [at having an eating disorder]”Read More
If my body wasn’t enough, I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t hot enough. Pretty enough. Funny Enough. Kind Enough. Smart enough. Fun enough. No matter what we achieved, nothing was enough.
So this is how we went on, for almost a decade, overworking me physically and abusing me mentally.Read More
I’m feeling lost today. Heavy (emotionally and physically). I had an extraordinary summer. I spent the majority of spring in treatment and found myself living a new life come June. I was social, I had friends, I went out, I ate and I drank and I wore a damn bathing suit like everyday! #lakelyfe I […]Read More
A year ago, if you were to tell me I’d one day choose yoga over weight lifting I’d laugh in your face and quite honestly tell you to beep off. Years ago I had a therapist tell me I may not like working out, that my eating disorder was the one who liked working out […]Read More
“Your mind must arrive at your destination before your life does.” I read that and I had such a strong connection with it. That is exactly what I am learning. The thoughts you feed yourself today make up who you are in five years. We all have our demons, mine just happens to be […]Read More
Because really, when I weighed less I was not happy.
I was lonely. I was exhausted. I was depressed. I was hungry.Read More
It’s one of those nights where one thought happens and spirals to a million negative thoughts leaving me the scariest questions of all: Am I ever going to get better? In a moment I can become lost in just how deeply the eating disorders weaved itself into every thought, decision, and aspect of my […]Read More