*TRIGGERING WARNING- This video was made to explain to supports what the urge to purge feels like.
You may be familiar with the phrase ‘urge to purge’. You must be thinking a. what is it b. none of it sounds appealing. You’d be right on that, but still, it’s something many individuals struggle with, even into recovery.
My hope for NEDA Awareness Week is for people to see that eating disorders don’t have a specific body type, that recovery isn’t just about eating more food & if we start a conversation about it, we can easily support those around us struggling with an eating disorder.
Outside of my covers is a day full of important projects, deadlines, and the insurance debacle. My chest feels tight. My heart pounding. The air in my lungs stiffens. Each inhale feels like there’s a block right in my chest, preventing the air from reaching my lungs.
The eating disorder is constantly pushing you to “Be the best at having an eating disorder”….what does that even mean? Be the best at having no life, counting calories and nearly dying? Apparently so.
But anytime I do something pro-recovery, like completing my meal plan or not spending 2+ hours at the gym, the competitive eating disorder voice chirps: “You’re not being good enough at your eating disorder. You need to try harder [at having an eating disorder]”
Now it just really pisses me off. I guess my fuse has gotten short. Denying my eating disorder is denying all the pain and suffering I have gone through. It is denying my experience, my emotions, and my thoughts. And it sure as hell is denying the 10,000 hours of therapy and treatment I’ve put in.
Like many sufferers, those with eating disorders may go in and out of treatment through out their life. Eating disorders are a lifelong battle and treatment is aimed at learning to cope with it. If I’m being honest, I think 90% of the time we leave treatment it’s actually because our insurance is no longer willing to cover it- not that we are “all better”.
For so long, I denied the idea that anything I was doing was unhealthy. Sure I was overdosing on laxatives, throwing up, overdoing it at the gym- but I didn’t look super skinny so didn’t “earn” the title of having an eating disorder.