I’ve Been Fantasizing…

*TRIGGERING WARNING- This video was made to explain to supports what the urge to purge feels like.

You may be familiar with the phrase ‘urge to purge’. You must be thinking a. what is it b. none of it sounds appealing. You’d be right on that, but still, it’s something many individuals struggle with, even into recovery.

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Avoiding the Summer Relapse

Please note- This is fucking hard when you have a body image issue.

For years I avoided all beach trips and bathing suit outings. I look back with such regret. I can’t say I’m strutting around in a tiny bikini but I’m thankfully at a point in recovery

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Falling into the Appeal of the Eating Disorder

That no matter how recovered you are, the eating disorder can always come back. It’s the strangest experience to explain, because when I fall into a dip, it’s so easy to entirely jump in despite just how strong or far along I am in recovery. 

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Typical Turbulence in Recovery

It took everything in my power to not throw my face into that toilet. (Ew, I mean at the hotel now, not on the airplane. I do have some standards…)

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#NEDAAwareness Week 2018

My hope for NEDA Awareness Week is for people to see that eating disorders don’t have a specific body type, that recovery isn’t just about eating more food & if we start a conversation about it, we can easily support those around us struggling with an eating disorder.

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Do What’s Right, Not What’s Easy

Outside of my covers is a day full of important projects, deadlines, and the insurance debacle. My chest feels tight. My heart pounding. The air in my lungs stiffens. Each inhale feels like there’s a block right in my chest, preventing the air from reaching my lungs.

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Post Treatment Bullshit: “I’m so Glad You’re All Better!”

I began returning to my friends, work, and social outings. I was out of treatment- so people just assumed everything was great. I heard a lot of “I’m so glad you’re all better”.

It just makes me chuckle, that’s not how mental health works. It’s not a cold. You don’t pop a pill take a rest and you’re “all set” after a week.

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The Most Competitive Assholes You’ll Ever Meet

The eating disorder is constantly pushing you to “Be the best at having an eating disorder”….what does that even mean? Be the best at having no life, counting calories and nearly dying? Apparently so.

But anytime I do something pro-recovery, like completing my meal plan or not spending 2+ hours at the gym, the competitive eating disorder voice chirps: “You’re not being good enough at your eating disorder. You need to try harder [at having an eating disorder]”

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What NOT to Talk About With Your Loved One in Recovery This Christmas

Now it just really pisses me off. I guess my fuse has gotten short. Denying my eating disorder is denying all the pain and suffering I have gone through. It is denying my experience, my emotions, and my thoughts. And it sure as hell is denying the 10,000 hours of therapy and treatment I’ve put in.

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