I’ve Been Fantasizing…

*TRIGGERING WARNING- This video was made to explain to supports what the urge to purge feels like.

You may be familiar with the phrase ‘urge to purge’. You must be thinking a. what is it b. none of it sounds appealing. You’d be right on that, but still, it’s something many individuals struggle with, even into recovery.

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#NEDAAwareness Week 2018

My hope for NEDA Awareness Week is for people to see that eating disorders don’t have a specific body type, that recovery isn’t just about eating more food & if we start a conversation about it, we can easily support those around us struggling with an eating disorder.

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Do What’s Right, Not What’s Easy

Outside of my covers is a day full of important projects, deadlines, and the insurance debacle. My chest feels tight. My heart pounding. The air in my lungs stiffens. Each inhale feels like there’s a block right in my chest, preventing the air from reaching my lungs.

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Post Treatment Bullshit: “I’m so Glad You’re All Better!”

I began returning to my friends, work, and social outings. I was out of treatment- so people just assumed everything was great. I heard a lot of “I’m so glad you’re all better”.

It just makes me chuckle, that’s not how mental health works. It’s not a cold. You don’t pop a pill take a rest and you’re “all set” after a week.

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The Most Competitive Assholes You’ll Ever Meet

The eating disorder is constantly pushing you to “Be the best at having an eating disorder”….what does that even mean? Be the best at having no life, counting calories and nearly dying? Apparently so.

But anytime I do something pro-recovery, like completing my meal plan or not spending 2+ hours at the gym, the competitive eating disorder voice chirps: “You’re not being good enough at your eating disorder. You need to try harder [at having an eating disorder]”

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What NOT to Talk About With Your Loved One in Recovery This Christmas

Now it just really pisses me off. I guess my fuse has gotten short. Denying my eating disorder is denying all the pain and suffering I have gone through. It is denying my experience, my emotions, and my thoughts. And it sure as hell is denying the 10,000 hours of therapy and treatment I’ve put in.

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5 Tips For Getting Through Your Next Meal

Even years into recovery, those struggling with an eating disorder will struggle with meals. These are my go to tips when I myself am finding it to be a challenge to get through my meal

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10 Things I’m Sick of Hearing About My Eating Disorder

Like many sufferers, those with eating disorders may go in and out of treatment through out their life. Eating disorders are a lifelong battle and treatment is aimed at learning to cope with it. If I’m being honest, I think 90% of the time we leave treatment it’s actually because our insurance is no longer willing to cover it- not that we are “all better”.

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A Letter From My Body

If my body wasn’t enough, I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t hot enough. Pretty enough. Funny Enough. Kind Enough. Smart enough. Fun enough. No matter what we achieved, nothing was enough.

So this is how we went on, for almost a decade, overworking me physically and abusing me mentally.

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